I had just hung up the phone with my dear mother when I received a message from him on FB. His story seemed comical at first…. Him and his friend getting pulled over by a cop and being asked if they had drugs on them and where his drivers license was, not being able to find his insurance. That sort of thing.
And then it takes a turn when he says, “the funny thing is, when we left we went to another bar and then home ….to get stoned.”
So I’m thinking…this is not actually funny. He’s 31 not 21. And I don’t necessarily feel comfortable talking to him when he is high.
When he senses my disappointment he asks me two questions, “I’ve been high before while we’ve talked so what’s the difference now? Do you think I can’t talk properly?” Followed by “anyway..I should sleep.”
At this point I save myself by telling him he should have fun the way he wants and to sleep well.
He then says “goodnight Lara.” Yes. He spells it wrong.
I can’t begin to explain what this disappointment feels like. All I can say is this: I had just talked up about this man to my mother. I was so excited to explain to her how safe and secure I felt being with him. And within seconds that sense of security vanished.
And yet I still feel as though I am the one in the wrong. Why is that?
If I could have hand written my own life story, he would have said “Lovely meeting you.” Instead of, “When can I see you again?”
For me, his words were half meaningful, half felt, as he opened the door for me and let me step inside a new world. I felt nothing. That should have been the first sign to run in the opposite direction.
So, this man that i am talking about, he chose to believe that we only had a moment in time together and that was all it meant. The days went on and in less than 5 months of our ‘not so committed relationship,’ everything started to fall apart instead of into place. And then i noticed he hadnt kissed me in a while and that bothered me.
And he stopped holding my hand. And holding me. And i realized I was dying inside because i wanted to feel loved more than anything in the world. Not by someone else, but by him.
If someone asked me today if he was cheating on me I wouldnt know the asnwer. Partly because I cant define what we had as a relationship. It was broken and messy and difficult to even call it a friendship. He never took and interest in my life and whenever I tried to ask him about his, he either lied or changed the subject.
I didnt know him. I expected so much out of a man whom i didnt even know.
If i could have written my own life story I would have said, “Lovely meeting you,” instead of, “I like you.”
Its a hard thing, i think, for men to find the medium between family and work. We grow up in this world where men are supposed to support their wife and kids and work until they hurt, so what do i expect.
but it is heartbreaking knowing that he can’t take one day out of his week to spend time with me. To just hold me, or listen and not worry about getting things done or what is left to do.
Surprise me by waking me up in the morning just to hold me. Call me to let me know you care.
And dont sound so heartless when you are letting me know you can’t make time. You are exhausted, I understand. But I love you and need respect as well. So respect how I must be feeling right now without you.
I have been thinking a lot about love lately. It is strange because I find myself walking through the park wishing that someone were there, to smell the air with me. I want to be able to love with everything that I am. To accept others, and myself for every form we may possess. Good days, off days, days when we feel the lowest about ourselves. And then I wonder that maybe, maybe it is possible. You know, to love someone for all that they are. And if it is possible for me to love someone for everything they are, then maybe it is possible for them to return the same affection.
Maybe I am worth something.
I want to be able to look back and say that from this point forward I put every ounce of love and strength I have into every friendship and relationship without expecting anything in return.
And that is the true test of life is it not?
To love regardless of what people have to offer you?
I challenge you to do something for someone you love without expecting any kind of acknowledgment.
You may be surprised as to how you feel and how hard it really is..
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I remember being that friend in high school and college, people would come up to and say, ” Your friend is so beautiful!”
I hadn’t thought about it a lot back then because I had no interest in needing people to think of me as something spectacular, but now that I think about it, I was always ‘that’ friend.
I wonder what it is about being told we are beautiful.. Especially by men. Older, sophisticated, ‘I’ve got it altogether’ kind of men. Maybe it is self assurance that there really are people out there who see something in the way you hold yourself, something you cannot and will not ever see in yourself. It is gratifying and reassuring that someone thinks you are also screaming, ‘I have it altogether.’
Even if that statement could be farther from the truth.
A hope that one day we will also see that ambition. That drive to be someone extraordinary. Because we are already there, we just don’t know it yet…
Today I was thinking about marriage. And not in the way most women do. Instead of thinking about my future wedding colors and mason jars with flowers, I found myself truly wondering “why, why do people get married..?’
As a child I grew up seeing my parents continuously struggle through their marriage and give up on each other various times. I grew up going to church and having it drilled into my brain that it is better to get married young and save yourself for marriage, than to live with that person before marriage.
At first I struggled between the two options.
Do people really get married to have sex? It sounded simply ridiculous… Did people really get married because they thought that it was what they were supposed to be doing? Why, why do people get married?
I try to not be a cynic about things that are supposed to be as lovely as marriage, but aren’t weddings really just a play? An act where everybody is dressed up in specific outfits, with specific lines, making it up to be a facade most of us should dread..but we don’t….because the marriage is going to be beautiful..
Tell me thoughts on your marriage, or your views on what your future marriage looks like.
I find myself missing you more than ever before. The memories seem so still and timeless, and I cant seem to shake reality from my mind. It seems as though I do not actually know how to decipher what is real and what is a dream.
I have failed.
Could my heart just be breaking for this man because his countenance indicates that his feelings for me were never true in the beginning?
I want to know… was I ever ‘everything’?
My fear is that the person I am could never match up to half the man he is, and I was naïve the whole time. I feel incredibly embarrassed…to think he would ever touch me with bigger intentions- for the both of us. To think his words of beauty would last a life time. That the memories would still play over in his mind like they constantly do in my own.
My only hope is that one day he sees how much I do care about him. As a friend, a lover, a man. I tend to see things in him that I don’t think he sees in himself. And I am not sure how to get him to see the artwork in his smile.
It is true that at night I ache to me touched gently, to be spoken to with soft words, and treated with kindness. But it is also true that I do not deserve any of those things..I do not ask for those things. I could not ask any more from him than I already have. And those lonely nights I have to imagine if he ever feels the same way.
I do not know for sure.
Id like to tell him I really do want him to be happy. That no matter what, even if he decides to leave tomorrow, I will always support and respect him. He does so much for other people for nothing in return, and now it is my turn to do the same for him.
“The permanent temptation of life is to confuse dreams with reality. The permanent defeat of life comes when dreams are surrendered to reality.” ~ James .M.