I remember being that friend in high school and college, people would come up to and say, ” Your friend is so beautiful!”
I hadn’t thought about it a lot back then because I had no interest in needing people to think of me as something spectacular, but now that I think about it, I was always ‘that’ friend.
I wonder what it is about being told we are beautiful.. Especially by men. Older, sophisticated, ‘I’ve got it altogether’ kind of men. Maybe it is self assurance that there really are people out there who see something in the way you hold yourself, something you cannot and will not ever see in yourself. It is gratifying and reassuring that someone thinks you are also screaming, ‘I have it altogether.’
Even if that statement could be farther from the truth.
A hope that one day we will also see that ambition. That drive to be someone extraordinary. Because we are already there, we just don’t know it yet…
Today I was thinking about marriage. And not in the way most women do. Instead of thinking about my future wedding colors and mason jars with flowers, I found myself truly wondering “why, why do people get married..?’
As a child I grew up seeing my parents continuously struggle through their marriage and give up on each other various times. I grew up going to church and having it drilled into my brain that it is better to get married young and save yourself for marriage, than to live with that person before marriage.
At first I struggled between the two options.
Do people really get married to have sex? It sounded simply ridiculous… Did people really get married because they thought that it was what they were supposed to be doing? Why, why do people get married?
I try to not be a cynic about things that are supposed to be as lovely as marriage, but aren’t weddings really just a play? An act where everybody is dressed up in specific outfits, with specific lines, making it up to be a facade most of us should dread..but we don’t….because the marriage is going to be beautiful..
Tell me thoughts on your marriage, or your views on what your future marriage looks like.
I find myself missing you more than ever before. The memories seem so still and timeless, and I cant seem to shake reality from my mind. It seems as though I do not actually know how to decipher what is real and what is a dream.
I have failed.
Could my heart just be breaking for this man because his countenance indicates that his feelings for me were never true in the beginning?
I want to know… was I ever ‘everything’?
My fear is that the person I am could never match up to half the man he is, and I was naïve the whole time. I feel incredibly embarrassed…to think he would ever touch me with bigger intentions- for the both of us. To think his words of beauty would last a life time. That the memories would still play over in his mind like they constantly do in my own.
My only hope is that one day he sees how much I do care about him. As a friend, a lover, a man. I tend to see things in him that I don’t think he sees in himself. And I am not sure how to get him to see the artwork in his smile.
It is true that at night I ache to me touched gently, to be spoken to with soft words, and treated with kindness. But it is also true that I do not deserve any of those things..I do not ask for those things. I could not ask any more from him than I already have. And those lonely nights I have to imagine if he ever feels the same way.
I do not know for sure.
Id like to tell him I really do want him to be happy. That no matter what, even if he decides to leave tomorrow, I will always support and respect him. He does so much for other people for nothing in return, and now it is my turn to do the same for him.
As i was getting ready for bed today, I realized something rather interesting about us as females. Most of us are slightly obsessed with indulging ourselves in romantic fantasies. Meaning, our imagination takes new leaps as it reminds our heart of past events, or events that we wish to take place.
We sit on our bed at night, alone, touching our own arm and kissing our own shoulder, as we wished to be touched. And there isnt anything weird about it really. In fact, I think we just picture what we feel we deserve. How we wantto be touched.
We want fire, romance, passion. And as far as Iknow.. even if we have that in our lives, we still picture it late at night.
And I wonder why we have to imagine these things in order for them to ‘occur.’ Have we really let our fantasy world overpower the real world? Why dont we take matters into our own hands and just say what we want and need in order for the romance to work?
So there you have it. Science dictates that men have what we call a more ‘active and detailed imagination’ when in reality, women do.
I have dreams about what happened, and when i wake up, I see everything as it really is. Only, its exactly the same as my dream. And i feel overpowered by my own mind, controlling how much or how little I feel.
I want to believe that if we were able to love someone so completely, we would always have a place for them in our lives.
I want to be able to look at him, love him, without having to wonder whether he loves me or not. I dont think I should have to give up needing to be loved. No one should have to wonder. I need reassurance every now and then.