I find myself missing you more than ever before. The memories seem so still and timeless, and I cant seem to shake reality from my mind. It seems as though I do not actually know how to decipher what is real and what is a dream.
I have failed.
Could my heart just be breaking for this man because his countenance indicates that his feelings for me were never true in the beginning?
I want to know… was I ever ‘everything’?
My fear is that the person I am could never match up to half the man he is, and I was naïve the whole time. I feel incredibly embarrassed…to think he would ever touch me with bigger intentions- for the both of us. To think his words of beauty would last a life time. That the memories would still play over in his mind like they constantly do in my own.
My only hope is that one day he sees how much I do care about him. As a friend, a lover, a man. I tend to see things in him that I don’t think he sees in himself. And I am not sure how to get him to see the artwork in his smile.
It is true that at night I ache to me touched gently, to be spoken to with soft words, and treated with kindness. But it is also true that I do not deserve any of those things..I do not ask for those things. I could not ask any more from him than I already have. And those lonely nights I have to imagine if he ever feels the same way.
I do not know for sure.
Id like to tell him I really do want him to be happy. That no matter what, even if he decides to leave tomorrow, I will always support and respect him. He does so much for other people for nothing in return, and now it is my turn to do the same for him.