Stone hard security.

I had just hung up the phone with my dear mother when I received a message from him on FB. His story seemed comical at first…. Him and his friend getting pulled over by a cop and being asked if they had drugs  on them and where his drivers license was, not being able to find his insurance. That sort of thing. 

And then it takes a turn when he says, “the funny thing is, when we left we went to another bar and then home ….to get stoned.”

So I’m thinking…this is not actually funny. He’s 31 not 21.  And I don’t necessarily feel comfortable talking to him when he is high. 

When he senses my disappointment he asks me two questions, “I’ve been high before while we’ve talked so what’s the difference now? Do you think I can’t talk properly?” Followed by “anyway..I should sleep.”

At this point I save myself by telling him he should have fun the way he wants and to sleep well.

He then says “goodnight Lara.” Yes. He spells it wrong.

I can’t begin to explain what this disappointment feels like. All I can say is this: I had just talked up about this man to my mother. I was so excited to explain to her how safe and secure I felt being with him. And within seconds that sense of security vanished. 

And yet I still feel as though I am the one in the wrong. Why is that?