To love and not be loved.

I have been thinking a lot about love lately. It is strange because I find myself walking through the park wishing that someone were there, to smell the air with me. I want to be able to love with everything that I am. To accept others, and myself for every form we may possess. Good days, off days, days when we feel the lowest about ourselves. And then I wonder that maybe, maybe it is possible. You know, to love someone for all that they are. And if it is possible for me to love someone for everything they are, then maybe it is possible for them to return the same affection.

Maybe I am worth something.

I want to be able to look back and say that from this point forward I put every ounce of love and strength I have into every friendship and relationship without expecting anything in return.

And that is the true test of life is it not?

To love regardless of what people have to offer you?

I challenge you to do something for someone you love without expecting any kind of acknowledgment.

You may be surprised as to how you feel and how hard it really is..

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I still feel you

Sometimes, when i wake up in the morning- my toes freezing and the air is ice cold- i can hear your voice whisper ‘come back to bed..’ i can feel you pull me back to your chest, the warmth enveloping me. Sometimes, i feel you like i always used to.

I usually just continue to slip out of bed and proceed to throw on a sweatshirt and put my socks on, but one time i looked back at the sheets- out of mere curiosity. To see if you were still there. To see if..maybe i was still dreaming. I could only hear myself breathe in heavily as i turned my head just enough…..

Empty. The sheets were bare and ice cold.

As I let go of my breathe I felt the sadness spill over my body- aching once again as if it hadnt moved in its entire lifetime. It was as if…this was the first time i tried to keep going. The first time I kept breathing.

I hate the fact that every morning I sit on my bed for an hour holding my own hand. gently moving my thumb over the back of my hand as you once used to.

I hate how I have to look in the mirror while i brush my teeth now, as if im trying to figure out what is wrong with me.

I hate how my mind plays back wonderful memories as if they really were wonderful to the both of us.

Sometimes I fall asleep and I can hear you say something. I think I can make it out… Sometimes I almost feel you say it. 

The truth is…most mornings I am awoken by hearing you say my name.

And i cry because I wish it were real..