My Heart Is a Vessel

I find it very difficult to share myself with anyone tonight. But here is a small thought.

Someone once told me that their heart was a vessel in a swirling, deep, but friendly sea. That sentence allowed me to overlook all of my struggles and frustrations with the man that I care for. 

 

Although I hurt and struggle with picking myself up, in the end I know it was all worth it.

That i shouldnt feel regret towards anything I ever believed in. That I shouldn’t ever hold back an ‘I love you.’

No matter how lonely it gets, there are moments to hold onto.

 

Just a thought

ImageI’m the one who gently sits herself on her bed, grasping her legs- crying, in order to feel some satisfaction that the past really did happen.

That I am allowed to feel hurt. Used. Maybe manipulated the entire time.

And somewhere between sitting down and crying into my hands, I came to a conclusion.

I can’t get over the fact that I fell so deep for someone. I simply can’t come to terms with the difference in feelings we had for each other.

I can’t believe i am still hurting. For gods sake…

Why can’t I sleep anymore.

 

 

Breathing.

Sometimes i like to just sit and breathe…

Other times I like to just sit.

After everything came to an end, breathing had become a foreign concept to me. The air wasnt tempting me anymore as it had done in the past. And manipulation now has a new meaning in its entirety. 

My body had become an object and my love had become invisible to this man who looked at me as if I was the worst thing  that had ever happened to him.

I hold myself at night, curled up in a ball..and cry silent sobs..why..why this..and why that…and why would I ever have sex with someone who doesnt love me…why didnt he kiss me….why didnt he talk to me…why didnt i see?

Other times i try to scream at my old self in my old memories ‘Wake up!!!’.. ‘Wake up!!’ 

And i dont, because i am trapped in that beautiful moment. When we were driving and you grabbed my hand and smiled at me.

You smiled….at me…

Did i mean something to you then? Could you have maybe..just maybe been in love with me at that moment?

I am not sure… and i will never know. But i hope one day you can look back at that moment and enjoy it once again…

35PHOTO - Alexander Z - No title

photo credit. Alexander Z.