Lovely Meeting You

If I could have hand written my own life story, he would have said “Lovely meeting you.” Instead of, “When can I see you again?”

For me, his words were half meaningful, half felt, as he opened the door for me and let me step inside a new world. I felt nothing. That should have been the first sign to run in the opposite direction. 

So, this man that i am talking about, he chose to believe that we only had a moment in time together and that was all it meant. The days went on and in less than 5 months of our ‘not so committed relationship,’ everything started to fall apart instead of into place. And then i noticed he hadnt kissed me in a while and that bothered me.

And he stopped holding my hand. And holding me. And i realized I was dying inside because i wanted to feel loved more than anything in the world. Not by someone else, but by him.

If someone asked me today if he was cheating on me I wouldnt know the asnwer. Partly because I cant define what we had as a relationship. It was broken and messy and difficult to even call it a friendship. He never took and interest in my life and whenever I tried to ask him about his, he either lied or changed the subject.

 

I didnt know him. I expected so much out of a man whom i didnt even know.

If i could have written my own life story I would have said, “Lovely meeting you,” instead of, “I like you.”

 

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To love and not be loved.

I have been thinking a lot about love lately. It is strange because I find myself walking through the park wishing that someone were there, to smell the air with me. I want to be able to love with everything that I am. To accept others, and myself for every form we may possess. Good days, off days, days when we feel the lowest about ourselves. And then I wonder that maybe, maybe it is possible. You know, to love someone for all that they are. And if it is possible for me to love someone for everything they are, then maybe it is possible for them to return the same affection.

Maybe I am worth something.

I want to be able to look back and say that from this point forward I put every ounce of love and strength I have into every friendship and relationship without expecting anything in return.

And that is the true test of life is it not?

To love regardless of what people have to offer you?

I challenge you to do something for someone you love without expecting any kind of acknowledgment.

You may be surprised as to how you feel and how hard it really is..

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I want you to want me.

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I have dreams about what happened, and when i wake up, I see everything as it really is. Only, its exactly the same as my dream. And i feel overpowered by my own mind, controlling how much or how little I feel.

I want to believe that if we were able to love someone so completely, we would always have a place for them in our lives.

I want to be able to look at him, love him, without having to wonder whether he loves me or not. I dont think I should have to give up needing to be loved. No one should have to wonder. I need reassurance every now and then.

I am sick of having to question all the time.

Do you want me.

Do. You. Want. me…like ive always wanted you.

The Wisdom of a Child

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(Photo credit: Andy Prokh)

I used to wonder why I make friends more easily with children then I do adults.

I know now,  I don’t want anyone to feel like they own me, and in that regard, children are safe.

They cant and don’t want to own you, they love you to death and just want to play.

I think that’s cool. As a children’s photographer, it doesn’t seem like a ‘job’ to hang out with kids.

It’s more like, my social life more than anything. I find I can relate more to children than i can adults.

For example,

Child: *quietly whispers* : ‘ Today I ran into that chair *points to chair* and it hurt…..

Adult: *blank stare* : ‘Today Was fine. How was your day?’

Children are wise and full of knowledge. And to be honest, a lot more vulnerable, honest, and blunt than we as adults will ever be.

Kids make me smile.