Today I was thinking about marriage. And not in the way most women do. Instead of thinking about my future wedding colors and mason jars with flowers, I found myself truly wondering “why, why do people get married..?’
As a child I grew up seeing my parents continuously struggle through their marriage and give up on each other various times. I grew up going to church and having it drilled into my brain that it is better to get married young and save yourself for marriage, than to live with that person before marriage.
At first I struggled between the two options.
Do people really get married to have sex? It sounded simply ridiculous… Did people really get married because they thought that it was what they were supposed to be doing? Why, why do people get married?
I try to not be a cynic about things that are supposed to be as lovely as marriage, but aren’t weddings really just a play? An act where everybody is dressed up in specific outfits, with specific lines, making it up to be a facade most of us should dread..but we don’t….because the marriage is going to be beautiful..
Tell me thoughts on your marriage, or your views on what your future marriage looks like.
As i was getting ready for bed today, I realized something rather interesting about us as females. Most of us are slightly obsessed with indulging ourselves in romantic fantasies. Meaning, our imagination takes new leaps as it reminds our heart of past events, or events that we wish to take place.
We sit on our bed at night, alone, touching our own arm and kissing our own shoulder, as we wished to be touched. And there isnt anything weird about it really. In fact, I think we just picture what we feel we deserve. How we wantto be touched.
We want fire, romance, passion. And as far as Iknow.. even if we have that in our lives, we still picture it late at night.
And I wonder why we have to imagine these things in order for them to ‘occur.’ Have we really let our fantasy world overpower the real world? Why dont we take matters into our own hands and just say what we want and need in order for the romance to work?
So there you have it. Science dictates that men have what we call a more ‘active and detailed imagination’ when in reality, women do.
Sometimes, when i wake up in the morning- my toes freezing and the air is ice cold- i can hear your voice whisper ‘come back to bed..’ i can feel you pull me back to your chest, the warmth enveloping me. Sometimes, i feel you like i always used to.
I usually just continue to slip out of bed and proceed to throw on a sweatshirt and put my socks on, but one time i looked back at the sheets- out of mere curiosity. To see if you were still there. To see if..maybe i was still dreaming. I could only hear myself breathe in heavily as i turned my head just enough…..
Empty. The sheets were bare and ice cold.
As I let go of my breathe I felt the sadness spill over my body- aching once again as if it hadnt moved in its entire lifetime. It was as if…this was the first time i tried to keep going. The first time I kept breathing.
I hate the fact that every morning I sit on my bed for an hour holding my own hand. gently moving my thumb over the back of my hand as you once used to.
I hate how I have to look in the mirror while i brush my teeth now, as if im trying to figure out what is wrong with me.
I hate how my mind plays back wonderful memories as if they really were wonderful to the both of us.
Sometimes I fall asleep and I can hear you say something. I think I can make it out… Sometimes I almost feel you say it.
The truth is…most mornings I am awoken by hearing you say my name.