If I could have hand written my own life story, he would have said “Lovely meeting you.” Instead of, “When can I see you again?”
For me, his words were half meaningful, half felt, as he opened the door for me and let me step inside a new world. I felt nothing. That should have been the first sign to run in the opposite direction.
So, this man that i am talking about, he chose to believe that we only had a moment in time together and that was all it meant. The days went on and in less than 5 months of our ‘not so committed relationship,’ everything started to fall apart instead of into place. And then i noticed he hadnt kissed me in a while and that bothered me.
And he stopped holding my hand. And holding me. And i realized I was dying inside because i wanted to feel loved more than anything in the world. Not by someone else, but by him.
If someone asked me today if he was cheating on me I wouldnt know the asnwer. Partly because I cant define what we had as a relationship. It was broken and messy and difficult to even call it a friendship. He never took and interest in my life and whenever I tried to ask him about his, he either lied or changed the subject.
I didnt know him. I expected so much out of a man whom i didnt even know.
If i could have written my own life story I would have said, “Lovely meeting you,” instead of, “I like you.”
Its a hard thing, i think, for men to find the medium between family and work. We grow up in this world where men are supposed to support their wife and kids and work until they hurt, so what do i expect.
but it is heartbreaking knowing that he can’t take one day out of his week to spend time with me. To just hold me, or listen and not worry about getting things done or what is left to do.
Surprise me by waking me up in the morning just to hold me. Call me to let me know you care.
And dont sound so heartless when you are letting me know you can’t make time. You are exhausted, I understand. But I love you and need respect as well. So respect how I must be feeling right now without you.
I find myself missing you more than ever before. The memories seem so still and timeless, and I cant seem to shake reality from my mind. It seems as though I do not actually know how to decipher what is real and what is a dream.
I have failed.
Could my heart just be breaking for this man because his countenance indicates that his feelings for me were never true in the beginning?
I want to know… was I ever ‘everything’?
My fear is that the person I am could never match up to half the man he is, and I was naïve the whole time. I feel incredibly embarrassed…to think he would ever touch me with bigger intentions- for the both of us. To think his words of beauty would last a life time. That the memories would still play over in his mind like they constantly do in my own.
My only hope is that one day he sees how much I do care about him. As a friend, a lover, a man. I tend to see things in him that I don’t think he sees in himself. And I am not sure how to get him to see the artwork in his smile.
It is true that at night I ache to me touched gently, to be spoken to with soft words, and treated with kindness. But it is also true that I do not deserve any of those things..I do not ask for those things. I could not ask any more from him than I already have. And those lonely nights I have to imagine if he ever feels the same way.
I do not know for sure.
Id like to tell him I really do want him to be happy. That no matter what, even if he decides to leave tomorrow, I will always support and respect him. He does so much for other people for nothing in return, and now it is my turn to do the same for him.
I have dreams about what happened, and when i wake up, I see everything as it really is. Only, its exactly the same as my dream. And i feel overpowered by my own mind, controlling how much or how little I feel.
I want to believe that if we were able to love someone so completely, we would always have a place for them in our lives.
I want to be able to look at him, love him, without having to wonder whether he loves me or not. I dont think I should have to give up needing to be loved. No one should have to wonder. I need reassurance every now and then.