My Heart Is a Vessel

I find it very difficult to share myself with anyone tonight. But here is a small thought.

Someone once told me that their heart was a vessel in a swirling, deep, but friendly sea. That sentence allowed me to overlook all of my struggles and frustrations with the man that I care for. 

 

Although I hurt and struggle with picking myself up, in the end I know it was all worth it.

That i shouldnt feel regret towards anything I ever believed in. That I shouldn’t ever hold back an ‘I love you.’

No matter how lonely it gets, there are moments to hold onto.

 

Your Wedding: A dream or a play?

Today I was thinking about marriage. And not in the way most women do. Instead of thinking about my future wedding colors and mason jars with flowers, I found myself truly wondering “why, why do people get married..?’

As a child I grew up seeing my parents continuously struggle through their marriage and give up on each other various times. I grew up going to church and having it drilled into my brain that it is better to get married young and save yourself for marriage, than to live with that person before marriage.

At first I struggled between the two options.

Do people really get married to have sex? It sounded simply ridiculous… Did people really get married because they thought that it was what they were supposed to be doing? Why, why do people get married?

I try to not be a cynic about things that are supposed to be as lovely as marriage, but aren’t weddings really just a play? An act where everybody is dressed up in specific outfits, with specific lines, making it up to be a facade most of us should dread..but we don’t….because the marriage is going to be beautiful..

Is it?

Tell me thoughts on your marriage, or your views on what your future marriage looks like.

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Posting Truth

Saatchi Online Artist NIEMAND corinne chaufour; Drawing, ""champ" de l'innocence  XXXXX IX" #art

People assume that individuals, such as myself, who post somewhat slow moving, ‘depressing’ thoughts, are in fact, miserable. 

I do not understand this. I just want to post my truth. 

 I feel as though I have felt everything I am going to feel in this life. and so here I am standing amid the hussle and bussle of peoples lives. This is how I feel for the moment. It is in fact about themoment, is it not?

I just want to post from the heart, mind and soul. I want to write melodic sentences that at least one individual can relate to. If i reach one person, I have succeeded. 

I need people to know that if they feel out of place because they know they see the world in a different way than everyone else, it isnt strange to feel like that. In fact, if you feel this way, congratulations. 

You have accepted you are different. You have an eye for something no one else will.

And I think that is quite swell.

Breathing.

Sometimes i like to just sit and breathe…

Other times I like to just sit.

After everything came to an end, breathing had become a foreign concept to me. The air wasnt tempting me anymore as it had done in the past. And manipulation now has a new meaning in its entirety. 

My body had become an object and my love had become invisible to this man who looked at me as if I was the worst thing  that had ever happened to him.

I hold myself at night, curled up in a ball..and cry silent sobs..why..why this..and why that…and why would I ever have sex with someone who doesnt love me…why didnt he kiss me….why didnt he talk to me…why didnt i see?

Other times i try to scream at my old self in my old memories ‘Wake up!!!’.. ‘Wake up!!’ 

And i dont, because i am trapped in that beautiful moment. When we were driving and you grabbed my hand and smiled at me.

You smiled….at me…

Did i mean something to you then? Could you have maybe..just maybe been in love with me at that moment?

I am not sure… and i will never know. But i hope one day you can look back at that moment and enjoy it once again…

35PHOTO - Alexander Z - No title

photo credit. Alexander Z.